FAQs

Thank you for visiting the Tears of Men site and choosing to review questions I have received in working with men, women and families involved with PTSD.

I welcome your question by email and will do my best to respond in a timely manner. I respect your privacy and will keep both questions and answers private. 

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QUESTION: This commonly asked question came from an agent reading my book proposal: "Why are some men more affected by PTSD than others?" Another, more blunt  version of this same question is "How come some men get PTSD and others don't?"

ANSWER: First of all, it's a mistake to believe anyone is immune to doing combat. I would worry if someone is not deeply affected by the killing and destroying they see, hear and do in combat.

But people's temperaments, intelligence, and personalities are different so you won't see post war distress demonstrated in one particular way. People handle themselves the best they can until the inner war breaks through their personal style they can't cope or fake it anymore. Even then, the way they show combat trauma will vary.

Then, not everyone who says they have been in war is in combat. In Iraq, for example, some men never leave the safe Green Zone of Baghdad.  Those who go "outside the wire" are the ones who do and see the horrors of war.

Even then there are big differences in the experiences of combat. The length of time and the severity of fighting has a lot to do with post war effects. For example, someone who was in combat for four days, suffered no losses of comrades, and is out of the war zone in a month has far less combat realities to deal with than men who have months and months of serious fighting and loss of comrades and who keep being called up for as many as four and five tours of service as we are now seeing in the Iraq war.

On top of it, since most of us imagine that PTSD is extremely obvious, we assume that, if we don't see what it is we imagine, there is no post war distress to deal with.

And, because PTSD symptoms come in stages and is not a one time shot that signals someone "has it", you may not see the person when the inner distress becomes externally active.

I hope this satisfies your question.

QUESTION: "I notice my husband has bouts of hostility. I feel that this is probably normal, but wonder what I can do to help as he doesn't seem to want to have me get involved."  - California

ANSWER: Hostile moments can actually be one of the best indicators of the values that a man who has warred feels need protecting. Try not to take these moments personally. These are the times to use war's Survival Rules and or work quietly with him by using the Rule, Know the Enemy.

Bouts of hostility often signal that a person is working out some inner distress or conflict. For men who have warred, moments like these indicate an unconscious reflex that mirrors a particular combat incident that he is still trying to settle. Or it may be that your husband is conflicted by the often vague and sloppy interactions that are common in peacetime because they violate the clear, direct and immediate Survival Rules that he knows deep in his gut kept him alive through the worst of times.

The Survival Rule, Know the Enemy, means you can switch sides. Go to his map of the world, rather than staying in yours at these times. Assume he is having a combat recall and be "on his side." Try to see the world from the inner map of war that he carries.

Don't let yourself become the enemy by hanging onto your version of right behavior in these moments. Walk in his shoes, the shoes of a combatant, even if for just moments at a time. You don't have to like or accept his attitude, you just have to pace him in it. He may never have experienced that before.

Your position may be totally reasonable, sane and even right for peacetime situations, but it would be totally inappropriate in combat or when combat tensions are being recreated at home. Try moving to stand alongside him. It's a nonverbal move that shows you are with him.  Avoid face-to-face confrontations. That calls up a primitive reaction of danger and makes hostility worse. Avoid touching in these moments.

Agree with him by saying little. Let him know in few words that he can overcome this threat he feels. Say something like,"right on", "go get 'em", "you'll win this battle", or just murmur "umn" and nod if words or actions are threatening.

Don't talk too much after that. If you want to know what he's protecting, listen carefully to what he says. Whatever he is verbally hostile about reveals that something is not happening to protect what he learned matters most in life. Hostile moments often make men who have warred leave the scene. Don't worry, it's a good move. He knows he needs to back off so he wont' hurt anyone.

Remember this: Most of the time men who have warred cannot get distance from themselves at such times and they can't explain themselves. A man who has warred knows how to Know the Enemy. Don't fake your "standing with him" attitude because he'll know it and that's worse. If you are not ready to stand with him and to learn the values this behavior is tying to stand up for, leave.

Trust the fact that this man, more than anyone else in the world, does not want to hurt anyone ever again the way his heart and mind was in war. It also means he does not want to be hurt that way ever again, and all this is about that.